We all want to raise children who say “please,” hold doors open, and treat others well. But respect goes deeper than just manners; it is the foundation of healthy relationships and self-worth.
If you are wondering how to teach respect to kids without constant nagging, we have you covered. Here is the lowdown on what respect really looks like, why kids sometimes struggle with it, and how to handle those inevitable moments of attitude.
Key Takeaways
- The Golden Rule: Respect means treating others the way you want to be treated and valuing their feelings.
- Root Causes: Kids are often disrespectful because they are angry, overwhelmed, or mimicking behavior they see elsewhere.
- Teaching Strategy: Model the behavior you want to see, praise kindness, and set clear boundaries.
- Discipline: When disrespect happens, stay calm, avoid power struggles, and use consistent, logical consequences.
What Is Respect?
Respect is not just about what we think; it is about how we act. It is the bridge between our internal feelings and our external behavior toward the world.
Simply put, respect is the “Golden Rule” in action: treating others the way you would like to be treated. It involves acknowledging the thoughts, feelings, and rights of others while also maintaining self-worth. But explaining this abstract concept to a toddler or grade-schooler can be tricky.
How to Explain Respect to Kids
Since respect is complex, you need to break it down into bite-sized pieces your child can digest.
Start with feelings. Explain that respect is a feeling of caring that leads to kind actions. Tell them that when you respect someone, you want to be polite and careful with their feelings.
Connect it to their own experiences. Ask them to remember a time someone was mean to them or ignored them. Ask, “How did that make you feel?” Explain that disrespect hurts, while respect helps everyone feel safe and valued.
Because children learn best through concrete examples, give them a clear list of what respect looks like in real life:
- Volume Control: We don’t yell or talk loudly over someone else who is speaking.
- Active Listening: We look at people when they talk and listen to their ideas.
- Rule Following: We follow rules to show we care about our safety and the people who set them.
The American Academy of Pediatrics offers excellent resources and book lists to help parents teach kindness and respect (1).
Why Children May Be Disrespectful
Before you correct the behavior, it helps to understand the trigger. Respect is a learned skill, and kids often slip up for specific reasons.
They Are Angry or Overwhelmed
Big emotions can easily hijack a child’s brain. A huge chunk of disrespectful behavior stems from anger or frustration. When feelings get too big, their ability to be polite shuts down, and they might lash out.
These moments are usually temporary and do not mean you are raising a “bad” kid. It just means they are struggling to regulate their emotions.
They Aren’t Thinking
Sometimes, a child is just distracted. They might be deeply focused on a video game or a Lego set and ignore you when you call their name. This isn’t necessarily calculated disrespect; it is a lack of focus.
In these situations, I recommend that parents have the child stop their activity, make eye contact, and then engage in communication again.
Editor's Note:
Dr. Leah Alexander, MD, FAAPYounger children, in particular, struggle to split their attention. It often takes a gentle reminder to bring them back to the present moment.
They Are Copying You
This one is a tough pill to swallow, but children are mirrors. If you frequently interrupt your spouse, roll your eyes, or dismiss your child’s feelings, they will assume that is how communication works (2).
They Are Copying Others
As kids grow, peer influence expands. Your child might pick up a sassy tone or rude phrases from friends at school or the playground.
It isn’t just real-life people, either. YouTube, cartoons, and video games are rife with characters who use disrespect as a form of humor. If your child sees a character getting laughs for being rude, they might try it out at the dinner table (3).
They Are Stressed or Anxious
Major life changes can derail a child’s behavior. If you have recently moved, changed schools, or welcomed a new baby, your child might feel unsettled.
Even negative events like a divorce or the loss of a grandparent can manifest as rudeness (4). Often, the child isn’t trying to be mean; they are just signaling that they are having a hard time coping.
How to Teach Respect to Kids
Teaching respect requires a mix of explanation, modeling, and practice. You can’t just define it once and walk away; you have to weave it into daily life.
Here are actionable ways to build a culture of respect in your home:
Be the Role Model
This is the most critical step. You set the tone. If you handle frustration with patience and treat the waiter, the teacher, and your children with kindness, your kids will notice.
Subconscious learning is powerful. If you want a respectful child, you must be a respectful adult, even when you are tired or stressed.
Define the Boundaries
Be clear about what words and tones are off-limits. Don’t just say “be nice.” Be specific.
For example, explain: “We don’t call people names like ‘stupid,’ and we don’t slam doors when we are mad.” Correct them gently in the moment, offering a better alternative immediately.
Teach Empathy
Respect relies heavily on empathy. Help your child connect the dots between their actions and others’ feelings (5).
Ask questions like, “How do you think your brother felt when you grabbed that toy?” prompting them to think outside their own immediate desires.
Script the Behavior
Young children often lack the words to express themselves respectfully. Give them the script.
Instead of just scolding a preschooler for interrupting, say:
“I see you want to talk. When I am talking to Daddy, please put your hand on my arm and wait. Then I will know you have something to say.”
Follow up with the “why”:
“If you were telling a story and I started talking over you, you would feel sad, right? We wait so everyone gets a turn.”
Praise Respectful Moments
Don’t just catch them being “bad”; catch them being “good.” When you see your child sharing, waiting patiently, or speaking kindly, make a big deal out of it. Positive reinforcement reinforces the neural pathways for those behaviors.
Teach Self-Respect
It is vital to teach children that respect goes both ways (6). They should treat others well, but they also deserve to be treated well.
If your child gives up a toy just to keep the peace, validate their kindness but check in on their feelings:
“That was kind of you to share. Did you want to give it to them, or did you feel like you had to? It is okay to say, ‘I am using this right now, but you can have it in five minutes.’ That respects your friend’s wish and your own turn.”
What to Do When Your Child Is Disrespectful
Reaction is everything. When your child rolls their eyes or talks back, your instinct might be to snap. However, fighting fire with fire usually leads to an explosion. Here is a better approach (7).
Don’t Take It Personally
This is the hardest rule to follow. Remember: your child’s disrespect is not an attack on your character. It is usually a sign of their own struggle or immaturity (8).
Separate the behavior from the child. You can dislike the rudeness while still loving the kid.
Assess the Situation
Before you react, pause. Ask yourself:
- Is this a knowledge gap? Do they know this is rude? (Common with toddlers).
- Is this fatigue/hunger? Are they just “hangry”?
- Is this intentional? Are they testing a limit?
If it is a minor slip-up, a quick “Try that again, please” might be enough. If it is a major infraction, you will need a firmer response.
Discipline, Don’t Punish
Punishment is about inflicting pain or shame; discipline is about teaching. Focus on logical consequences rather than threats.
Avoid adversarial language. Instead of, “If you don’t clean up, no TV,” try, “We can watch TV as soon as the toys are cleaned up.” It puts the control in their hands and removes the power struggle.
Follow Through with Consequences
If the behavior continues or is severe, immediate consequences are necessary (9).
- Toddlers/Preschoolers: A brief time-in or time-out to calm down works well.
- Older Kids: Loss of privileges (like screen time) related to the behavior is effective.
Be consistent. If you only correct disrespect half the time, your child will keep rolling the dice to see what they can get away with.
FAQs
At What Age Can Children Understand Respect?
Toddlers as young as two can begin to understand the basics of “gentle hands” and empathy, but true understanding of respect as an abstract concept usually develops closer to age 5 or 6. Consistent modeling is key during the early years.
Why Is My Teenager Suddenly Disrespectful?
Teenage disrespect often stems from a developmental need for independence and brain changes that affect impulse control. While it is normal for them to push boundaries, parents should still maintain clear expectations for respectful communication.
How Do I Handle Disrespect in Public?
If your child is disrespectful in public, avoid a loud confrontation. Give a calm warning or physically remove them from the situation (e.g., take them to the car or a quiet corner) to discuss the behavior privately.
Be The Respect
Teaching respect is a marathon, not a sprint. It is about consistently showing your children what it looks like to value others, explaining your expectations clearly, and following through with fair consequences.
It can feel exhausting in the moment, but once that groundwork is laid, you will see the payoff in a kind, confident, and respectful child.
