It is easy to mix up the words “punishment” and “discipline.” Many people use them interchangeably, but they are definitely not the same thing. In reality, there are two distinct approaches: positive discipline and negative discipline (1).
Positive discipline focuses on teaching. You show a child how to correct their behavior and make better choices next time.
Negative discipline is what we call punishment. This approach relies on fear or suffering to retaliate against a child for misbehaving.
This doesn’t mean discipline is always sunshine and rainbows. Negative consequences still exist, but the goal is different. In discipline, the consequence is a learning tool. In punishment, the consequence is purely about payment for a “crime.”
Let’s dig into the differences between discipline and punishment so you can decide what works best for your family.
Key Takeaways
- The Core Difference: Discipline teaches children how to make good choices, while punishment uses suffering to control behavior.
- Five Major Types: You can use boundary-based, positive, behavior modification, emotion coaching, or gentle discipline depending on the situation.
- Effective Strategies: Successful discipline relies on consistency, role modeling, and age-appropriate expectations rather than fear.
- Long-Term Goals: Choosing discipline helps raise responsible, respectful adults who understand the consequences of their actions.
What Is Punishment?
Punishment is a negative consequence applied to a child’s action. It is often about control. While punishment might stop a behavior in the heat of the moment, it fails to teach your child the skills they need to make better decisions in the future.
The Problems With Punishment
Punishment is inherently negative. It often creates confusion because the caregiver’s actions might contradict their words (2).
Consider this example: Your kids get into a physical fight. You pull them apart, yell at them for fighting, and then spank them both.
Here is the likely outcome of that reaction:
- Confusing standards: Your child learns it is okay for you to use physical violence against them, but not for them to use it against others.
- Missed lessons: You miss the chance to teach them conflict resolution skills.
- Lack of control: You imply that they are incapable of controlling themselves, so you must control their feelings for them.
I discuss this frequently with parents who express concern about their infant or toddler hitting them or others. At this age, such behavior is learned by imitation. I often discover parents are using a “tap the hand” punishment technique. Parents fail to realize that this tactic, seemingly benign to them, is the reason that their child hits.
Editor's Note:
Dr. Leah Alexander, MD, FAAPIf a child is shouted at or hit every time they mess up, several negative consequences naturally occur (3):
- Fear: They become afraid of their parent or caregiver.
- Rebellion: They may actively choose negative behaviors because they figure they are going to get in trouble anyway.
- Anxiety: They may develop anxiety because even a small mistake results in a harsh reaction.
- Low self-worth: They start to view themselves as “bad people” rather than good people who made a mistake.
- Resentment: They often internalize anger toward the person punishing them rather than focusing on their own behavior.
Take Note
What Is Discipline?
The root word of discipline is discipulus, which means “pupil” or “student.”
Discipline is a positive method of dealing with misbehavior. Instead of making a child pay for a bad decision, you teach them how to make the right choice next time (5).
What Are the Five Types of Discipline?
There are five main styles of discipline (6). You do not have to pick just one and stick to it forever. Different kids and different situations often require a mix of methods.
1. Boundary-Based Discipline
This method involves setting clear limits. Your child has a choice: obey the rules or face the established consequences.
For example, imagine your child refuses to clean up their toys. You would set a rule and a specific consequence.
You might say, “If you do not clean up your toys, you cannot watch TV after dinner.”
This lays out a clear choice. They can do what is asked, or they can choose not to. If they choose not to, the consequence happens. It is not personal; it is just the result of their choice.
2. Positive Discipline
Some people think positive discipline is “soft” or permissive. It isn’t. It is about problem-solving with your child rather than just dictating orders.
Let’s look at the toy example again. A positive discipline approach acknowledges the child’s feelings. You might say, “I know you don’t want to clean up right now, but leaving toys on the floor isn’t an option.”
Then, you ask for their input: “What can we do to get these toys cleaned up quickly?”
You respect their feelings, but the boundary remains. They still have to follow the rule, but you are helping them find a solution.
3. Behavior Modification
This style focuses on praise and reinforcing good behavior while ignoring the bad.
If your child refuses to pick up toys, you might remind them of a reward: “Remember, we go to the park after the room is tidy.”
If they clean up, you pile on the praise and go to the park. If they throw a tantrum, you ignore the drama and simply don’t go to the park until the job is done. The focus is always on the positive outcome of good behavior.
4. Emotion Coaching
Emotion coaching helps children identify their feelings behind the behavior (7).
The theory here is that all feelings are okay, but not all behaviors are acceptable. Parents observe the child to connect the behavior to an emotion.
In the toy scenario, you might say, “I can see you are frustrated about stopping your game to clean up.” You encourage them to talk about that frustration. Once they feel heard, you work together to handle that emotion and get the task done.
5. Gentle Discipline
Gentle discipline uses redirection to prevent bad behavior before it escalates. It is very effective for toddlers and younger children who don’t fully grasp “consequences” yet.
If your toddler is about to melt down over cleaning up, you might turn it into a game. “Let’s see how fast we can throw the blocks into the bucket!”
The goal is to break the tension and redirect their energy toward something positive.
Natural vs. Logical Consequences
When disciplining, it helps to understand the difference between natural and logical consequences. These are powerful tools that remove the parent as the “bad guy.”
Natural Consequences
These happen automatically without any parental interference. If a child refuses to wear a coat, they get cold. If they don’t put their laundry in the hamper, their favorite shirt doesn’t get washed.
Natural consequences are great teachers because cause and effect are obvious. However, you cannot use them if the result is dangerous (like running into the street).
Logical Consequences
These are consequences created by the parent, but they are directly related to the misbehavior.
If a child draws on the wall, the logical consequence is that they must wash the wall. If they throw a toy, the toy gets taken away for the day. The consequence fits the “crime,” making it easier for the child to understand the lesson.
How Do You Discipline and Not Punish?
Transitioning from punishment to discipline is tough, especially if you were raised with punishment. It is a journey. Nobody is perfect, and we all lose our cool sometimes.
Here is how to shift your mindset toward discipline.
Be A Role Model
You are your child’s first teacher (8). If you yell when you are angry, they will yell when they are angry. If you hit, they will hit.
Model the behavior you want to see. When you make a mistake, and you will, own it. Say, “I yelled, and I shouldn’t have. I was frustrated, but I should have taken a deep breath.” An adult who apologizes is a powerful role model.
Use Positive Reinforcement
Catch them being good. We often focus so much on correcting bad behavior that we forget to acknowledge the good stuff.
Instead of taking things away when they mess up, try rewarding them when they succeed. This doesn’t have to be a toy; it can be extra reading time or a trip to the playground.
Avoid vague praise like “Good job.” Be specific: “I saw you share your toy with your sister. That was really kind of you.”
Be Consistent
Consistency is the golden rule. You cannot let them jump on the couch on Tuesday and then yell at them for it on Wednesday.
If you need to change a rule, explain it clearly. Tell them why it is changing and what you expect now.
As the video explains, if parents, babysitters, and grandparents all have different rules, the child will be confused. Get everyone on the same page.
Adapt to Their Age
Your discipline strategy must grow with your child (9).
For a toddler, “time-ins” or redirection work best because they lack impulse control. You need to be physically present to guide them.
For an older child, you can step back. They understand rules and consequences. You might trust an older child to play in the backyard alone, but punish them if they leave the yard without asking (10). Adjust your expectations as they mature.
FAQs
What is the main difference between discipline and punishment?
Discipline is about teaching and guiding a child toward better behavior, often using natural or logical consequences. Punishment is about inflicting suffering or fear (like spanking or shaming) in retaliation for misbehavior.
Is spanking considered discipline or punishment?
Spanking is a form of corporal punishment. Most child development experts and pediatric organizations classify it as punishment because it uses physical pain to control behavior rather than teaching the child a skill or lesson.
At what age should I start disciplining my child?
Discipline, in the form of guidance and redirection, can start as soon as a baby begins to crawl and explore. However, formal consequences like time-outs are generally not effective or appropriate until a child is around 2 or 3 years old.
Why doesn’t punishment work in the long run?
Punishment often relies on fear. When the source of fear (the parent) is not present, the child may not follow the rules. It teaches children to avoid getting caught rather than teaching them to make the right ethical choice.
Opt for Discipline Whenever Possible
Choosing discipline over punishment doesn’t mean your kids run the house. It means you are playing the long game.
Discipline teaches your child that their choices have consequences. They learn that they are responsible for their actions. If they don’t like the consequence, they have the power to make a different choice next time.
This approach builds a home environment based on respect rather than fear.
Discipline involves three key pillars:
- Skill building: Teaching them how to handle emotions and difficult situations.
- Modeling: Showing them how to behave through your own actions.
- Clarity: Providing consistent rules so they know exactly what to expect.
By sticking with this approach, you are giving your child the tools they need to be happy, well-adjusted adults.
